For A Man in Commitment Phobe:
A Commitment Phobe, Some men make women feel very lovable and desirable. They lavish love and gifts on them and make them feel exceptional. But when it comes to marriage, they back out. They have a great fear of getting tied to a single woman for life. They run away from the very idea of marriage. Their relationships never have fairytale endings; instead, they are littered with heartbreaks.
These men suffer from commitment phobia, a fear of committing themselves to one single woman. However, they don’t hesitate to play the loving game. They go out of their way to make their women feel special. They woo them with all the passion that they can command. But they cool off once the woman talks of marriage.
How to spot a commitment phobe for A Man?
For any woman, it is crucial to spot commitment phobes – that is, men who suffer from commitment phobia — early in the relationship. This is the only way they can keep their feet firmly on the ground, and not get swept away by the charm offensive launched by such men.
Fortunately, commitment phobes are very predictable and display several common traits. These are:
1. Previous Relationships:
1. They have been involved in several relationships in the past, but all of them have been brief. The reason they will charmingly tell you is that they are yet to come across a woman of their dreams, someone with whom they can have a lifelong relationship. You are that woman, they will tell you. It is for you to spot the lie or swallow it hook, line and sinker.
2. Stable Relationships:
2. They would show much more interest in you that you do in them. And they will follow you, beseech you, please you, woo you – try every trick in the trade to win you over. They will even drop hints of long and stable relationships; they will talk of “we” and “us,” not “I” and “me.”
3. Love and Affection:
3. They will make you feel exceptional. And they will shower you with love and affection. They will make you think their world will come to an end if you spurn them or misunderstand them. You will find it impossible to resist them unless you realize what is happening.
However, this ardent wooing will be limited to the first phase of the relationship. The relationship will take a different turn the moment you surrender. It is not that such men treat women as trophies to be won, and then displayed in their personal museums, but they are driven by contradictory feelings. They neither want to give up a woman nor want to commit themselves to her. It is a psychological disorder. But it can have serious effects both on the relationship, and on you.
You will not realize what has happened to your relationship. The same man, who could not live without you for a moment, will start looking for excuses to stay away from you. You will no longer be the shining light of their lives. The talk of matrimony will freeze them. Your tears may make them unhappy, but it will not move them. It wouldn’t be long before you are left only with memories and tears; the commitment phobe would have stepped forward to another woman.
Why do they behave like Commitment Phobe?
You need not search for reasons for the souring of the relationship. And you should also not blame yourself for what has happened. You must realize that commitment phobia is an emotional disorder, and you have become a victim of a person suffering from such a disease.
According to psychologists, commitment phobes behave like this because they suffer from certain beliefs about relationships. This may happen because:
1. A sensitive child:
1. As a sensitive child, a commitment phobe’s world was torn by a bitter divorce between his parents. He grew up with a feeling that there can be no permanent relationship between a man and a woman. Such a relationship can only bring pain in the long run.
2. Death of Parents:
2. Some commitment phobes cannot reconcile to the death of their father or mother or forget the sadness and grief that overcame their parents when one of them died. They, therefore, grow up with the feeling of not to enter into permanent relationships – relationships that can bring pain on account of the death of a loved one.
3. Abusive relationship:
3. Some commitment phobes may be betrayed by their lover. This would have created a mindset of never to give in to a woman again.
How to deal with a commitment phobe?
You must realize that you have very few chances of winning a commitment phobe. Therefore play hard to get. And you must refuse to get into bed with him very often. This signals the end of a relationship. Let him feel desperate; let him step up his wooing. But don’t give in.
You must continue to live your own life. And you should not allow a commitment phobe to set the pace of your life. You should continue dating other men and act as an independent woman who can live her life on her own. Never make the mistake of playing second fiddle to such men or switching to what-a-wife-would-do mode.
You should not drum excuses for his behavior, or try to convince yourself that he is right and you are wrong. In your mind, you should not become his advocate. You must look at his actions, not his words. Words are easy; they can be lavished with freedom. But it is hard to match them with work.
If possible, you should convince him to see a psychologist. There is always a chance that a psychologist may be able to remove the fears that a commitment phobe has about marital relationships. But this cannot happen in an instant. You have to be patient, and you have to see how the commitment phobe takes your suggestion or counseling.
Finally, don’t grieve if your relationship breaks down. Take it in your stride. Treat t as a fun fling that was bound to end this way.
For A Woman:
A woman with commitment phobia always feels insecure and vulnerable when it comes to marriage. She wants to postpone the decision; is often confused and does not know how to get out of the relationship. Unlike men, women with commitment phobia don’t go around hunting for men. They develop natural relationships, relationships in which they believe but which they are not willing to sustain. In the process, they not only hurt men but also hurt themselves.
They find it very difficult to get out of such relationships. There is a feeling of guilt, sometimes even of remorse. But these feelings are overpowered by a strong sense of fear. There is a great reluctance to approach the subject of marriage. At the same time, there is despair too. They don’t want to let go of the man who has brought such happiness in their lives. But they only end up leaving their partners confused, bewildered, and angry.
Why do women turn into Commitment Phobe for A Woman?
The psychologists see a clear relationship between commitment phobia and traumatic childhood. Their studies show that women who suffer from commitment phobia are deeply influenced by their childhood experiences that have seared their subconscious minds and given birth to such unrealistic fears.
According to the psychologists, commitment phobia can be caused by any of the following three situations that a child may have undergone during her formative years:
1. Death of a parent:
Children may not show grief, but they are susceptible. A few of them may find it very difficult to accept the passing of their father or mother to whom they were deeply attached. Some of them can’t bear to see the grief of their father or mother. This is when their mind decides that they should not allow themselves to get into similar situations. The logic is that there will be no grief if there is no long-term relationship.
2. A messy divorce:
Many children go into a shell when they see their parents bickering over small things, and finally breaking up. Some girls cannot reconcile themselves with their stepfathers or stepmothers and cannot forgive their parents for what they have done to their lives. Marriage to these girls seems to be a relationship where they can only expect bitterness and hurt. That is why they are so keen to avoid the “imagined” pains of marriage.
3. Abusive relationship:
Some girls are never able to get over the abuses by their parents. They, therefore, do not want to surrender to men once again but want to prize their independence much more. They are mortally scared of an unhappy wedding or another abusive relationship.
The fourth reason for women avoiding long-term relationships is purely professional. They may enter into a relationship at a time when their career is poised to take off. They are so attached to their career prospects that they are not willing to compromise on them. Instead, they want to postpone the marriage to a future date, which, in most cases, never comes. But such successful women invariably attract men who want to possess them.
How to spot a Commitment Phobe?
It is not easy to spot women who suffer from commitment phobia. They do not go around lavishing love and affection freely or trying to seduce every man who catches their fancy. In fact, they appear more vulnerable and insecure, triggering relationships where a man wants to protect them. This is how most such relationships begin.
However, men do not know what they are doing. They are getting into a relationship that has no future. The best they can do is to probe why the woman for whom they feel so strongly has not found a partner. It should strike them as odd if the woman tells them that her relationships are invariably short. They must blind by love and believe that it would not happen to them. But then they will be making a big mistake.
A better option would be to make the woman talk about herself and her early life to understand why she has had such unstable relationships. This can make the woman share her fears, however unrealistic they are. The man is a protective umbrella around her and offers the security that she has all along been missing. But there is no guarantee that the woman will be able to exorcise her fears. The relationship may still end on a note of unhappiness and bitterness with the woman pushing her partner away, but the partner refusing to let her go and suffer her fears alone.
Can counseling help to Commitment Phobe?
The last resort is to convince the commitment phobe to seek professional help. A trained psychologist may be able to wipe the fears away. A hypnotist can also be able to remove the concerns of the past. But much depends on how much the woman is willing to open herself. And how much emotional support the man is ready to bring to the relationship.
There is always the possibility that the commitment phobe may be able to exorcise her fears. But it is also possible these fears may return to haunt her after marriage. Then you can be sure that the wedding will be short-lived. It will not be able to withstand the hallucinations and unrealistic fears of a commitment phobe.
In the other situation, where a woman places her career first, the man must be ready to compromise. He should never question her priorities, even if it hurts his male ego every day or every week. Once again, this is not going to be a stable relationship and will die sooner than later.